Little Lark of London

“This is all just business”

Da Vinci’s Laundry, written by Keelan Kember and directed by Merle Wheldon, begins with two employees of a fictional auction house, Mille (Arsema Thomas) and Christopher (Kember), staring at a work of art, in awe of the fact that they are looking at an actual work by Leonardo da Vinci. But what if it actually wasn’t painted by him? There has been some restoration work done by a woman named Dianne, and not all of the authenticators believe it to be a genuine da Vinci. 

The premise of Da Vinci’s Laundry is inspired by the true story of the Salvator Mundi, a painting supposedly done by da Vinci sold at auction for over $450 million to a Saudi Arabian prince, only for specialists to debate over whether it was actually painted by da Vinci at all. Naming the conservator Dianne appears to be a tribute to Dianne Dwyer Modestini, a renowned conservator responsible for the restoration of the Salvator Mundi. But this is where the similarities to the true story end, as Da Vinci’s Laundry then takes some absolutely wild turns. 

Millie and Christopher are inside the all-white Saint Mortiz home of a Russian man, Boris (John Albasiny), who is trying to sell the painting in the hopes of establishing his reputation in the United Kingdom. At first, Christopher is more than happy to sell the painting, but begins to question the authenticity of the work after some questions asked by Millie. But, once the two have made up their mind to not sell the painting, an American by the name of Tony (Steve Zissis) shows up, determined to change their minds. 

The first few scenes of the play are quite good, with Millie and Christopher having some excellent banter when debating just what can be considered art, questioning how the taste of the general public can go from something like a work by da Vinci to one of Jeff Koons’ Balloon Dogs, which is shining from centre stage. Unfortunately, once Tony is introduced, things begin to go off the rails, with the subject of art itself being lost in a bombastic story of politics and crime.

Instead of having the audience question art and its purpose in society, Kember instead chooses to switch to a performance full of stereotypes, from brash Americans to sly Russians. As an American, it was insanely frustrating to see how Tony is portrayed, a money-hungry conservative who is seen by everyone else as stupid and impossible to work with. Tony makes multiple dated references to Hillary Clinton, including a comment on how he has her photo hanging in a shooting range and how he can pretend to cry like she did over Benghazi. If Tony is such a Trumper who mourns missing out on the riots of 6 January, why is he happy to work with an Arab prince and a Russian? Nothing about the character makes sense and everything about him detracts from the show as a whole. 

There is also a strange obsession with England and how great it is, with many moments of dialogue being dedicated to the beauty of the country while everywhere else is reduced to simple stereotypes. The entire play becomes one of blackmail and romance, losing the plot of the art that should be at its centre. There are some scenes that are entirely dedicated to a potential romance between Millie and Christopher, and Millie is given far fewer scenes than her male counterpart, only talking to others about her relationship with Christopher and not being allowed to be a part of the action. Thomas is a highlight of the play, and it is a shame to see her be so heavily underutilised. Several of the actors mess up their lines, with only Zissis able to pull off the mistakes as a part of his character.

The set, designed by Eleanour Wintour, is done in a minimalist style, nearly all-white with all but one of the works of art being depicted as blank canvases for audience members to imagine. There are a few small set changes set to jarringly cheerful music, with two people dressed in PPE moving around pieces of furniture before disappearing from the stage. There is one clever set change involving the Balloon Dog, but this is only used once at the beginning of the show and nothing similar is done again. 

Ultimately, Da Vinci’s Laundry is a frustrating piece of theatre that focuses too much on stereotypes and not enough on a potentially interesting plot on the authenticity of art, leaving audience members with a bitter taste in their mouths. 

Da Vinci’s Laundry runs from 8 to 25 October at Riverside Studios. For more information and to purchase tickets, click here.